Tuesday, November 28, 2017

The difference a year can make...


     I can't believe it has been an entire year since I first released this blog into the interwebs.  If you do so recall, at that time in my life I was living with my parents, sleeping on a futon in my childhood bedroom and living out of boxes.  I was licking my wounds, piecing my heart back together and trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want out of a relationship or more importantly, life in general.  I was in the process of rediscovering exactly who I am.
  Well, here we are a year later, and I still have no idea what it is that I'm looking for.  However, I think I am getting closer and closer to that knowledge every day.  I've had many conversations with others about dating and relationships and I always get asked the same few questions - "Why don't you just date so and so?", "Why are you so picky?", "Why don't you just give him a chance?".  And in being asked these questions, it occurred to me.  It is so common for people to, for lack of a better word, "settle" for a significant other who is great on paper.  Who "makes sense".  Who shows them the slightest bit of affection and makes them feel good about themselves.  A relationship that is comfortable.  Well, call me crazy, but if there is anything I have learned in this past year, especially after observing others and their relationship tendencies, it is that I do not want to fall into something that is just mediocre.  
  I have spent my entire life dating men who I like.  The first guy who came my way who I was attracted to and I seemed to get along with, I would date. No questions asked. Just seemed like the thing to do.  But I realized that I wanted more than "he's a great guy".  I desired more than "we get along really well".  I needed more than "he treats me well".  I want "he's the greatest person I've ever known".  I desire "I can't stop thinking about him".  I need "I get the butterflies whenever he looks at me". 

"It's got to be that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff"  

- It Takes Two

 However, I am learning that these feelings do not always come initially. I am learning that "love-at-first-sight" is rarely the case. I am learning to give people more of a chance before quickly shutting them out like I have been known to do.  However, I still plan on holding out for that kind of love that makes me feel like I am living in a Taylor Swift song (the love songs, not the ones about the break-ups.  Think "New Year's Day" status).

    One year ago, I posted my blog on Facebook, hands shaking, thinking I would either be supported, be mocked or be ignored all together.  There is something very vulnerable and raw about putting your feelings, especially those that involve a breakup (or any life altering event), into words for everyone to see.  The amount of love and support I received from friends, family, acquaintances and strangers has been worth it alone.  I never imagined that my words would have such an impact on others and be so relatable to so many people. All of the positivity certainly overshadowed the select few who viewed it negatively or took it personally.
    The big difference between myself a year ago and myself now?  I know exactly who I am. I have never been more confident in myself.  And that fact alone is something to celebrate.


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