Monday, September 25, 2017
I've been thinking a lot lately about my past relationships and how each one has taught me different lessons. Each boyfriend in every different stage of my life has helped shape me into the woman I am now. I truly believe that each one of them played a part in not only the person I am, but in helping me realize what I want and deserve. I've decided to address each one (anonymously) in an open letter. Each "chapter" will be dedicated to a different relationship - whether long term or short - that I feel has impacted my life. I respect each and every one, which is why I have given each of these men an alias for the purpose of this blog.
It's been awhile. Just about 8 or 9 years, I believe. I have honestly thought multiple times about what I would say if I ever spoke to you again, but now that I'm staring at this blank screen, I've never felt so speechless.
We met on MySpace (yes kids - back in the day, MySpace was actually cool). At that time in my life, I was extremely insecure. I had a very low opinion of myself and had it in my head that no guy could ever be attracted to me. So, when I got your message on MySpace, you can imagine my surprise. To be honest, you could have been anyone. I would have taken anyone as my boyfriend at that time in my life, because I convinced myself that I wasn't pretty enough or cool enough to get one.
Remember that night you came over to my parents house and we were watching a movie in the basement? You fell asleep and your phone kept lighting up. I'm not proud, but I looked. You were receiving texts from like 3 different girls. One of them was a heart. I shook you awake and kicked you out. You left but then we got back together the next day. Man, was I stupid. Remember that time you invited me to a party in the middle of the woods in a town I didn't know? And when the police showed up - you ran away and left me to fend for myself? I ran through the woods with strangers and got all cut up from picky bushes. And when I finally found you, full of scrapes and bleeding, all you could do was tell me how you were hurt worse than I was. Remember that time that you came with me to my Aunts wedding, and we went to the after party at someones house? Remember the owners of the house specifically saying that we could not drink because we were underage, and you stole beer anyway? And then when you got caught, you were so embarrassed that you fled the party? I spent 2 hours looking for you and when I finally found you, you were laughing and thought it was the funniest thing. There was nothing funny to me about you embarrassing me in front of my family. And remember when you did the same exact thing a few months later at another family party? What the hell was wrong with you?! Better yet, what the hell was wrong with me for still staying with you?! Remember that time that we were arguing in my car? You were wasted and you punched my dashboard and put a huge crack in it? And I kept trying to get you out of my car but you wouldn't? I didn't tell you then, but in that moment I actually feared for my safety. I was scared of you. Remember that time I broke up with you for good and you got so mad that you posted a Facebook status, for everyone (including my family) to see, saying how much of a "slut" I was and refused to take it down, even when I called you sobbing?
Truth be told, I spent a long time hating you. You really did put me through hell. I cannot count how many times I tried breaking up with you, only to later feel bad and fall right back into the same cycle. Despite all of the awful things you did, our relationship did teach me a lot. From that moment on, I promised myself that I would never stay with someone who disrespected my family. Breaking up with you showed me that I am strong and I had no reason to be so insecure. Our relationship taught me not to settle for just any guy who happens to show some interest in me. You were my first "real" relationship. So, thank you for setting the tone and for laying the foundation of what I know I want in a relationship today. Although our time together does not spark any "good" memories, it does remind me what I have overcome and what I DON'T want in a relationship. At this point, I don't have any ill feelings toward you. Too much time has passed and we are both completely different people now. I will say this: I hope you have grown up. I hope that whoever you marry, you treat with love and respect. I hope that if our relationship taught you anything, it is how to NOT treat a woman. And above all, I hope that wherever you are, you're truly happy.