Thursday, March 23, 2017

Unsolicited Dood Nudz.

  Before I dive into this topic, I'd like to take a minute to apologize to my mother and anyone else who may be reading this that holds me in their mind as an innocent little butterfly.  What you are about to read may frighten you, shock you and make you throw up in your mouth a little bit. However, I cannot be held responsible for the actions of others. I would like to take this opportunity to address men on behalf of women everywhere. Here we go.

Dear Men,

  It has been brought to my attention, and unfortunately my eyeballs, that you have taken it upon yourselves to grace the presence of our phone screens with awkwardly angled photos of your Johnsons. I wanted to take this moment to address you directly and let you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such things.
  First of all, let me tell you what immediately happens when such things are received.  A screenshot.  Yes, the dreaded screenshot.  We instantaneously screenshot that nonsense and send it in our groupchat with our girlfriends.  Then, everything about your photo is critiqued and giggled at.  Like the baby stroller in the background of the photo... why do you have that?! Or the fact that you sent it at night time but you can clearly tell it was taken in day time... do you just keep these pictures on standby for whenever you might need them?!  Also the fact that you obviously took it at such an angle to make objects appear larger than they are. NOT TO MENTION the fact that these photo's 99.9% of the time are COMPLETELY unprovoked. The only message an unprovoked d*ck pic sends is that you think we are going to sleep with you.  Which, even if we were, we sure as hell aren't now.

 Exhibit A:

 OK, dude.  What part of that conversation lead you to believe that a picture of your wien was desired?  Was it the part where you suggested hanging out and you were ignored?  You just thought to yourself, "Oh, she didn't respond.  I know what will get her to hang out with me!" ::eye roll:: Just because you love the sight of your own body part doesn't mean we will too.  Look, I'm really happy for you that you're so proud of it ... but like... NO THANK YOU.  Also, when you send something like that, are you expecting us to reciprocate and send a photo back?  Cause it's not happening, sir. 
 So, in conclusion, please refrain from sending us snapshots of your peen unless, on the VERY rare occasion, we ask to see one.  The only thing that will come from you sending something like that is either getting blocked or having a blog post written about you.  Or, in this case, both. ;)

Sincerely, 
Melanie

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious! I never understood male nude photos anyway. Like it's not like male body parts are beautiful to look at. They mostly just look like something awkward just sitting there.

    Erin
    Top Knots & Sweatpants

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