Tuesday, November 29, 2016
I forgot how to flirt.
I'm really starting to become content with the idea of being single and being thrown back into the wonderful world of dating. So, like any girl, I threw on my hottest outfit this past weekend and strategically applied my MAC lipstick in the shade Rebel. I set sail out to the bars with my bestie and found myself surrounded by extremely attractive bachelors. Just as I was about to approach one particularly promising specimen, I realized... Oh shit. I forgot how to flirt. I literally had no idea what to do or how to spark up conversation. What the hell has happened to me?!
Guys, I'm not going to lie to you, I used to have so much game. Just a few years ago I would just walk into a room and breathe and the men would flock. I didn't even have to try. I could have spewed any form of nonsense at them and they would have eaten it up. I even once sang some very off key Taylor Swift karaoke and they were still worshiping the ground I walked on. But it's like once you have a boyfriend, you get this scarlet letter embossed on your forehead and everyone knows to stay away. And then when you become single again after being taken for some time, it's like you need to build your entire empire all over again, from the ground up. It's exhausting.
How am I supposed to contain my awkwardness long enough to pretend I'm interested in what some random guy has to say? I mean, I can't even order a coffee without them saying "Enjoy your coffee!" and me replying "you too!". I don't even like socializing at parties. I usually just pray that the host or hostess has a dog that I can hang out in the corner with. I just feel like I'm at that point in my life where I don't have the time or patience for nonsense. I don't want to play the game of purposely waiting an hour to respond to a text so I don't seem "too interested" or dealing with the bro's who can't take a hint and blow up my phone obsessively all day long. God help the men who cross my path because my standards are at an all time high, I have 0 tolerance for any bullshit and I'm not interested in anyone who is going to waste my time.
So, in the age of swiping right or left based solely off of someones looks, how's a girl supposed to find a man with some substance? I guess I should start by changing out of these yoga pants, turning off this Fixer Upper marathon and getting off of the couch. Sigh.