Friday, August 18, 2017

The Settlers.


  Guess who's back.  Back again.  Holy guacamole I just realized I haven't written a blog post since May.  What's with that?!  It's like I'm actually enjoying life and not finding anything I feel the need to rant about.  Well, fear not freaks!  Cause I have once again found something that's bothering the shit out of me that I feel the need to express to everyone and anyone that decides to read this.
  You guys.  There are 7.442 billion people in this world. 7.442 BILLION.  And for some god-forsaken reason, men and women still insist on settling for that one douche-bag or bitch who doesn't give them exactly what they want and deserve.  What's with that?! Don't get me wrong, I am SOOO guilty of this.  You find someone, you fall in love, and you convince yourself that their 495 imperfections are something you can "accept" because you "love them".  PUH-LEASE PEOPLE. This is bullshit! You get one life, kids.  ONE LIFE.  Why on earth do you want to spend even a second of it with someone who doesn't make you utterly and ridiculously over-the-moon happy and in love MOST of the time?!  I'm not that naive, I know that every relationship has it's ups and downs and nothing is ever perfect, but come onnnnnnn.  Why are women staying with the guy who doesn't call them when they say they will, or doesn't show up to the family party they swore they'd be at, or is constantly flirting with other girls?  And why are men staying with the woman who picks apart every single thing they do and makes them miserable on a daily basis?  It just blows my mind, honestly.  Each and every single one of us deserves to be stupidly happy.  Why are you settling?! Why are you wasting a minute of your life with someone who isn't perfect for you when you could be spending that time finding someone who is?  Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather be alone and single than with someone I am not 100% sure is right for me.  And ANOTHER thing.  Why do people keep taking their ex's back over and over?!  A leopard never changes its' spots kids.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all about second chances.  But 3rd, 4th, 5th?! Get outta hereeeeeeee with that nonsense. They were dumb enough to let you go in the first place so why are you even going to entertain the idea of letting them back in? The relationship ended for a reason... that reason is most likely still a factor.
  I've been thinking a lot lately about why people settle and accept the bullshit that they do.  And I have come to the conclusion that fear plays a BIG part in it.  Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of change.  All of these things prevent us from leaving the very thing (person, in this case) that is causing our unhappiness.  We get in this routine where we just accept things the way they are and convince ourselves we don't have an option.  Well, guess what?  You do!  It's not an easy thing by any means, but you owe it to yourself to say "SEE YA LATER" to that significant other that isn't fulfilling you anymore.  It's OK to be selfish. Do you really want to spend your time with someone that you know in the back of your mind will never change or make you as happy as you deserve, when someone who very well could, could be right around the corner?  That's just silly.  WAKE UP.  This is your only life.  You owe it to yourself to live it to the damn fullest.
  So, in conclusion, STOP SETTLING.  Leave that d-bag that your family hates and leave that gal who only wants you when its convenient for her. Don't stay with that person who just makes you "happy" when you know very well you could find someone who makes you drunk in love.  Just BE HAPPY and LIVE YOUR DAMN LIFE. I know that I, for one, will not be settling for anyone who doesn't make me feel like I'm living out the lyrics to a damn country song. That's about all I have to say so I'll leave you with this cheesy quote.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” - Candace Bushnell 

Friday, May 26, 2017

How to be Single.


    As I sit here on my third (or fourth or fifth or maybe I just finished the entire bottle of rosé) glass of wine (but who's counting?!), I realized - It's a Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my couch, blasting country music, and have never been more content in my entire life.  There was a time, not that long ago actually, where I got instant anxiety at the thought alone of not having plans on a Friday or Saturday night.  Come Monday, I would frantically text my friends asking to make plans for the weekend.  The thought of staying home sounded sad and lonely and I avoided it like the plague.  Don't get me wrong, I love going out with my friends on the weekends.  But there's something extremely empowering about being able to stay in on a Friday/Saturday night by yourself and be OK in doing so.
    When you're in a relationship, it's as if every day, especially the weekend, is pre-planned out for you.  You aren't sure exactly what you'll be doing, but you do know who you'll be doing it with.  When you suddenly find yourself single, that can be a little bit challenging because you have to fill that void.  It can be difficult to go from always having a partner in crime to being your own best friend (that sounds depressing but I promise it's positive).  I know a LOT of people who come out of a relationship and instantly begin searching for a new one.  The first semi-attractive/compatible person who comes their way, they begin a new relationship with.  Hell, I'm guilty of this as well.  This is the first time that I've been single and I haven't been constantly looking for a new boyfriend.  I have been "browsing" my options and I have gone on dates, but I'm not putting all of my effort into finding the next Mr. Melanie.  
    Being single, I mean truly, really 100% single, is an art in itself.  It isn't easy, I won't lie, but if you commit yourself to it, it can be the most liberating, eye opening experience you will ever have.  What does being single really mean?  Being single means being OK with meeting your coupled up friends out for dinner and showing up solo.  Being single means not having anyone question where you are or who you are with.  Being single means not having anyone that you need to call when you get home. Being single means cooking dinner for one.  Being single means blasting your favorite song and not worrying about if anyone else likes it.  Being single means being able to commit to events without having to ask another person.  Being single means going out with the girls on a Saturday night and not feeling the need to rush home to anyone.
    As much as being single can suck sometimes, I don't think you can really be with someone new until you're fully, truly, 100% alone for a little while.  After all, how can you be happy with someone else if you aren't happy with yourself?  If you begin looking for a new person immediately and get into another serious relationship within, like, 3 months of your last one, did you really even have time to figure out who you are and what you really want?  This could just be my opinion but for me, having this time, about 8 months now, to be single, has been effing fantastic. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I finally know exactly who I am.  I know what I like, I know what I don't, I know what I stand for, I know what makes me tick, and most importantly, I know exactly what I am looking for in another person.
    So be single!  Stay in on a Friday night.  Take your sweet ass time.  Enjoy your own company.  Cook yourself an amazing meal.  Buy yourself the more expensive wine ($14 is expensive for me, OK!?!) .  Most importantly, don't put any pressure on yourself to find someone.  BE PICKY.  I cannot stress this enough.  Don't settle down with the first guy who shows you some attention. Remember:  You're a bad ass bitch with a killer bod and you smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine - And don't ever let anyone tell you different.  CAN I GET AN AMEN.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

The Chameleon Effect

  What uppppp party peopleeeeee!  Ok ok sorry... I'm just a LITTLE excited.  Why?  Because it's been like over a month since I've written and I'm finally back! Where have I been, you might ask?  Well I haven't written in a while for a few reasons.  One of which being that things have just been going really really well for me and I've been so busy with life that I haven't had the time (or anything to complain about) :).  I also have had some ideas floating around in my brain to write about, but nothing that I felt passionate enough about to put on the internet and I didn't want to force anything just for the sake of making a post.  So, here we are!  But I'm back and I'm READY to PARRRRTAYYYYYYYY

  So, my little petunias, we are gathered here today to discuss The Chameleon Effect.  Yes, that's right, I said CHAMELEON.  What is the Chameleon effect, you might ask?  Well I'm pretty sure there's some scientific meaning behind it but for the sake of today's post, it refers to someone who takes on the traits/characteristics/hobbies etc of someone they have been spending time with.  In this case, I'm referring to guys or girls who start dating someone and become exactly like them.  
  We all know these types of people so don't act like you don't.  Hell, chances are you've probably dated one... I know I have.  A few, actually. Honestly, we're probably all a little bit guilty of being chameleons ourselves at one point.  But why?
  It's so crazy to me how sometimes when you date someone, you lose your individuality a little bit.  You kind of forget who you were before them.  Your life revolves around them and things that you like to do together, so the things you once enjoyed on your own are soon a distant memory.  On the other side of it, it can be extremely annoying when you date a chameleon. I dated one once, and suddenly all the music I liked, all the activities and movies I loved were his "favorite".  I drew the line when he started becoming obsessed with Taylor Swift.  SHE'S MINE, OK?!
  It's also extremely interesting to see such things from an outside perspective.  When someone you know begins dating someone new and you notice that they start dressing differently, acting differently and becoming interested in different things. It's wild to see someone go from dating you and being into running and country music and wine to dating someone new and suddenly doing Crossfit and going on tropical vacations. It's almost like you don't really ever know who someone is because they could just be a combination product of all of the people they have ever dated or been friends with.   Whoaaaa that's deep stuff bro.  Anyway, the moral of the story is just be yourselves kids!  Don't start dressing like a ghetto fab princess just because you start dating a papi chulo, know what I'm sayin'?  Yea? Ok, great.  Now get back out there and keep doing you babes.  Rock on with your bad self.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Unsolicited Dood Nudz.

  Before I dive into this topic, I'd like to take a minute to apologize to my mother and anyone else who may be reading this that holds me in their mind as an innocent little butterfly.  What you are about to read may frighten you, shock you and make you throw up in your mouth a little bit. However, I cannot be held responsible for the actions of others. I would like to take this opportunity to address men on behalf of women everywhere. Here we go.

Dear Men,

  It has been brought to my attention, and unfortunately my eyeballs, that you have taken it upon yourselves to grace the presence of our phone screens with awkwardly angled photos of your Johnsons. I wanted to take this moment to address you directly and let you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such things.
  First of all, let me tell you what immediately happens when such things are received.  A screenshot.  Yes, the dreaded screenshot.  We instantaneously screenshot that nonsense and send it in our groupchat with our girlfriends.  Then, everything about your photo is critiqued and giggled at.  Like the baby stroller in the background of the photo... why do you have that?! Or the fact that you sent it at night time but you can clearly tell it was taken in day time... do you just keep these pictures on standby for whenever you might need them?!  Also the fact that you obviously took it at such an angle to make objects appear larger than they are. NOT TO MENTION the fact that these photo's 99.9% of the time are COMPLETELY unprovoked. The only message an unprovoked d*ck pic sends is that you think we are going to sleep with you.  Which, even if we were, we sure as hell aren't now.

 Exhibit A:

 OK, dude.  What part of that conversation lead you to believe that a picture of your wien was desired?  Was it the part where you suggested hanging out and you were ignored?  You just thought to yourself, "Oh, she didn't respond.  I know what will get her to hang out with me!" ::eye roll:: Just because you love the sight of your own body part doesn't mean we will too.  Look, I'm really happy for you that you're so proud of it ... but like... NO THANK YOU.  Also, when you send something like that, are you expecting us to reciprocate and send a photo back?  Cause it's not happening, sir. 
 So, in conclusion, please refrain from sending us snapshots of your peen unless, on the VERY rare occasion, we ask to see one.  The only thing that will come from you sending something like that is either getting blocked or having a blog post written about you.  Or, in this case, both. ;)


Saturday, March 4, 2017

First Impression Friday - The One With the Crier


  First Impression Friday is a bi-weekly (or whenever I feel like it)  blog series in which I tell comical stories about ridiculous first encounters I've had with members of the opposite sex.  This will alternate with Red Flag Friday whenever I see fit (or Saturday - like today.. whatever.)  How have I not blogged in a month?! Things have been so crazy with moving and just life.  But I promise I'll be better, Girl Scouts Honor.

  The story starts like this: A few months ago I was at a bar trying to have a leisurely evening out with one of my best friends.  We ended up in the middle of a sweaty dance party which is totally not my scene but... when in Rome (or The Whiskey Republic).  I decided to leave the dance mosh pit and make my way to the bar for an adult beverage.  As I was trying to push through, a guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked where I was attempting to navigate to. I told him the bar and he literally pulled a Moses and parted the Red Sea of people for me, making a path to the bar.  Not going to lie, it was super flattering and it made me feel like a princess.  I thought that was the end of him but boy was I wrong.
  Later on that evening, my friend abandoned me on the dance floor to go to the bar.  A few minutes after I was alone, Moses returned and introduced himself.  He began drunk rambling on and on about his life and his friends and how society is crazy.  You see, I have this problem where I am way too nice and I don't know how to walk away from people and don't know how to say no or be mean.  Anyway, he must have gone on and on for at least 20 minutes. (Please keep in mind that this was all in the center of the dance floor with people bumping into us and grinding on each other.)  He dragged on and on about how I will never meet anyone else like him and how much money he makes (gag).  At one point, he was telling me about his friends and how they're into hard drugs. As he was telling me about this, I noticed that his eyes began to get really glossy.  For a minute, I just assumed he was glazed over with drunkenness.  But the more I looked at him, the more I realized it wasn't that at all... The more I looked at him, I thought "Oh no.. He's not.. Tell me he's not going to..".  Yes, ladies and gents, the boy on the dance floor started crying, right there before my eyes.  As tears streamed down his face, I couldn't think of anything else to do besides awkwardly and stiffly pat his shoulder like "there, there".  It was most definitely the most uncomfortable situation I have ever been in.  The only thing more uncomfortable than watching a man cry is watching a man who is a stranger cry.
  After what felt like an eternity, my friend finally returned.  I gave her the ole nose-brush-get-me-out-of-here motion and she pulled me away, thank god.

Only me.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

First Impression Friday - The One With the LARPer


  First Impression Friday is a bi-weekly (or whenever I feel like it)  blog series in which I tell comical stories about ridiculous first encounters I've had with members of the opposite sex.  This will alternate with Red Flag Friday whenever I see fit.

  The story starts like this:  A few weeks ago I was enjoying a leisurely drink at a bar with my mother, aunt and cousins. We were heading to a movie and decided to have a cocktail beforehand.  We had our giggle juice, left the bar and began walking over to the movie theater.  As we were leaving, a girl chased us out of the bar.  She came up to me and said something along the lines of "Excuse me, sorry to bother you.."  (At this point I was 99% sure I was being hit on my a woman - not that there's anything wrong with that.... but anyway)  "My friend in there thinks you're really cute but was too nervous to talk to you.  Can I have your name so he can find you on Facebook?"  - Yes ladies and gents we now live in a world where instead of asking someone for their number, you ask for their Facebook.  At this point, I was a little wary considering  I had 0 idea what the guy even looked like.  But I decided to play along, I mean what do I have to lose right? RIGHT?! So I wrote down my name and went on my merry way to the movie.
  Later that evening, I received a friend request.  All I was able to see was a profile picture.  He wasn't awful looking, looked a little nerdy but I wasn't ruling it out. So I did what I do best and I began creeping.  Upon my investigation I found the Facebook page of his (hopefully ex) wife.  I began scrolling through photos and it quickly became clear that my admirer was... indeed... a LARPer.  What is LARP you might ask?  According to Urban Dictionary (a very credible source) it is - 

LARP - Live Action Role Play - a type of game where a group of people wear costumes representing a character they create to participate in an agreed fantasy world. Uses foam sticks as swords, foam balls as magic and other props to create the games world. 

  Pretty cool, right?  Now I'm not judging (OK maybe I am a little bit) but that's just not the kind of thing I'm into.  I'm talking there were photos of him in full on Medieval garb .  Another one of him in full make-up looking like a character out of  Avatar.  His wedding photo's were themed as some kind of elf fairy land prince and princess.  I probably sound like a huge asshole here, but that's my luck.  I get approached in public and it just HAS to be a LARPer.  I mean, I'm still extremely flattered that someone saw me and immediately wanted to make me part of their Royal Court.  But long story short, I denied the friend request and received multiple messages.  When I explained to the LARPer that I had recently gotten out of a long relationship and wasn't looking for anything, he asked me to go out to a "non-committal dinner" - WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

I'm doomed.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

I'm Surrounded by Douchebags.

  Being propelled into the dating world again has been exciting, entertaining, fun and most of all, extremely disappointing.  I've been going on my fair share of dates and going out with friends socializing at different watering holes.  I've met a handful of men and I've noticed one common trait they all share - none of them know how to treat a woman, let alone date.  Since when is it acceptable for a first date to be "come over to my house to watch a movie"?! Is chivalry so dead in 2017 that men can't even be bothered to put on some pants and take us out on a nice date?  It's unbelievable, really.  No, I don't want to sit on your couch and watch the Patriots game for our first date.  And no, I definitely don't want to "go hang out in your hotel room" for our first date either.  What happened to wooing a girl that you're interested in? What happened to flowers and fancy dinners?  What has happened to dating and why is it now taken so lightly and casually?
  This past Friday night, I spent the evening chatting with a handsome, smart, successful man in a bar. As the night came to a close, I expected to exchange numbers and hopefully plan a date for another night. Instead, I received a kiss on the cheek and a whisper in my ear of "Let's go back to my place". Gross.  Is it just now assumed that everyone in the world is easy and is sleeping with someone immediately the new norm? Sorry, but if you're not going to go through the effort of planning a nice date for me, you're definitely not getting any action.
  Is it possible that in the age of dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, members of the opposite sex are so readily available that they are now taken for granted?  Since another person is now just one swipe away, does this make us more disposable and less valuable?  Do men not feel the need to put in effort because they know if their lazy attempt at a date fails with one girl, they can find another one within 5 swipes in a 10 mile radius?  That's the problem with dating today.  Instead of putting in some real, genuine effort, it has become the new norm to simply message a girl, send her a few cute GIF's and then ask her over. Are there any men left out there who want to put forth actual effort or am I doomed to accept emojis as flirting and cuddling as a first date? Pray for me.