Friday, May 26, 2017

How to be Single.

 


    As I sit here on my third (or fourth or fifth or maybe I just finished the entire bottle of rosé) glass of wine (but who's counting?!), I realized - It's a Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my couch, blasting country music, and have never been more content in my entire life.  There was a time, not that long ago actually, where I got instant anxiety at the thought alone of not having plans on a Friday or Saturday night.  Come Monday, I would frantically text my friends asking to make plans for the weekend.  The thought of staying home sounded sad and lonely and I avoided it like the plague.  Don't get me wrong, I love going out with my friends on the weekends.  But there's something extremely empowering about being able to stay in on a Friday/Saturday night by yourself and be OK in doing so.
    When you're in a relationship, it's as if every day, especially the weekend, is pre-planned out for you.  You aren't sure exactly what you'll be doing, but you do know who you'll be doing it with.  When you suddenly find yourself single, that can be a little bit challenging because you have to fill that void.  It can be difficult to go from always having a partner in crime to being your own best friend (that sounds depressing but I promise it's positive).  I know a LOT of people who come out of a relationship and instantly begin searching for a new one.  The first semi-attractive/compatible person who comes their way, they begin a new relationship with.  Hell, I'm guilty of this as well.  This is the first time that I've been single and I haven't been constantly looking for a new boyfriend.  I have been "browsing" my options and I have gone on dates, but I'm not putting all of my effort into finding the next Mr. Melanie.  
    Being single, I mean truly, really 100% single, is an art in itself.  It isn't easy, I won't lie, but if you commit yourself to it, it can be the most liberating, eye opening experience you will ever have.  What does being single really mean?  Being single means being OK with meeting your coupled up friends out for dinner and showing up solo.  Being single means not having anyone question where you are or who you are with.  Being single means not having anyone that you need to call when you get home. Being single means cooking dinner for one.  Being single means blasting your favorite song and not worrying about if anyone else likes it.  Being single means being able to commit to events without having to ask another person.  Being single means going out with the girls on a Saturday night and not feeling the need to rush home to anyone.
    As much as being single can suck sometimes, I don't think you can really be with someone new until you're fully, truly, 100% alone for a little while.  After all, how can you be happy with someone else if you aren't happy with yourself?  If you begin looking for a new person immediately and get into another serious relationship within, like, 3 months of your last one, did you really even have time to figure out who you are and what you really want?  This could just be my opinion but for me, having this time, about 8 months now, to be single, has been effing fantastic. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I finally know exactly who I am.  I know what I like, I know what I don't, I know what I stand for, I know what makes me tick, and most importantly, I know exactly what I am looking for in another person.
    So be single!  Stay in on a Friday night.  Take your sweet ass time.  Enjoy your own company.  Cook yourself an amazing meal.  Buy yourself the more expensive wine ($14 is expensive for me, OK!?!) .  Most importantly, don't put any pressure on yourself to find someone.  BE PICKY.  I cannot stress this enough.  Don't settle down with the first guy who shows you some attention. Remember:  You're a bad ass bitch with a killer bod and you smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine - And don't ever let anyone tell you different.  CAN I GET AN AMEN.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

The Chameleon Effect



  What uppppp party peopleeeeee!  Ok ok sorry... I'm just a LITTLE excited.  Why?  Because it's been like over a month since I've written and I'm finally back! Where have I been, you might ask?  Well I haven't written in a while for a few reasons.  One of which being that things have just been going really really well for me and I've been so busy with life that I haven't had the time (or anything to complain about) :).  I also have had some ideas floating around in my brain to write about, but nothing that I felt passionate enough about to put on the internet and I didn't want to force anything just for the sake of making a post.  So, here we are!  But I'm back and I'm READY to PARRRRTAYYYYYYYY

  So, my little petunias, we are gathered here today to discuss The Chameleon Effect.  Yes, that's right, I said CHAMELEON.  What is the Chameleon effect, you might ask?  Well I'm pretty sure there's some scientific meaning behind it but for the sake of today's post, it refers to someone who takes on the traits/characteristics/hobbies etc of someone they have been spending time with.  In this case, I'm referring to guys or girls who start dating someone and become exactly like them.  
  We all know these types of people so don't act like you don't.  Hell, chances are you've probably dated one... I know I have.  A few, actually. Honestly, we're probably all a little bit guilty of being chameleons ourselves at one point.  But why?
  It's so crazy to me how sometimes when you date someone, you lose your individuality a little bit.  You kind of forget who you were before them.  Your life revolves around them and things that you like to do together, so the things you once enjoyed on your own are soon a distant memory.  On the other side of it, it can be extremely annoying when you date a chameleon. I dated one once, and suddenly all the music I liked, all the activities and movies I loved were his "favorite".  I drew the line when he started becoming obsessed with Taylor Swift.  SHE'S MINE, OK?!
  It's also extremely interesting to see such things from an outside perspective.  When someone you know begins dating someone new and you notice that they start dressing differently, acting differently and becoming interested in different things. It's wild to see someone go from dating you and being into running and country music and wine to dating someone new and suddenly doing Crossfit and going on tropical vacations. It's almost like you don't really ever know who someone is because they could just be a combination product of all of the people they have ever dated or been friends with.   Whoaaaa that's deep stuff bro.  Anyway, the moral of the story is just be yourselves kids!  Don't start dressing like a ghetto fab princess just because you start dating a papi chulo, know what I'm sayin'?  Yea? Ok, great.  Now get back out there and keep doing you babes.  Rock on with your bad self.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Unsolicited Dood Nudz.

  Before I dive into this topic, I'd like to take a minute to apologize to my mother and anyone else who may be reading this that holds me in their mind as an innocent little butterfly.  What you are about to read may frighten you, shock you and make you throw up in your mouth a little bit. However, I cannot be held responsible for the actions of others. I would like to take this opportunity to address men on behalf of women everywhere. Here we go.

Dear Men,

  It has been brought to my attention, and unfortunately my eyeballs, that you have taken it upon yourselves to grace the presence of our phone screens with awkwardly angled photos of your Johnsons. I wanted to take this moment to address you directly and let you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such things.
  First of all, let me tell you what immediately happens when such things are received.  A screenshot.  Yes, the dreaded screenshot.  We instantaneously screenshot that nonsense and send it in our groupchat with our girlfriends.  Then, everything about your photo is critiqued and giggled at.  Like the baby stroller in the background of the photo... why do you have that?! Or the fact that you sent it at night time but you can clearly tell it was taken in day time... do you just keep these pictures on standby for whenever you might need them?!  Also the fact that you obviously took it at such an angle to make objects appear larger than they are. NOT TO MENTION the fact that these photo's 99.9% of the time are COMPLETELY unprovoked. The only message an unprovoked d*ck pic sends is that you think we are going to sleep with you.  Which, even if we were, we sure as hell aren't now.

 Exhibit A:

 OK, dude.  What part of that conversation lead you to believe that a picture of your wien was desired?  Was it the part where you suggested hanging out and you were ignored?  You just thought to yourself, "Oh, she didn't respond.  I know what will get her to hang out with me!" ::eye roll:: Just because you love the sight of your own body part doesn't mean we will too.  Look, I'm really happy for you that you're so proud of it ... but like... NO THANK YOU.  Also, when you send something like that, are you expecting us to reciprocate and send a photo back?  Cause it's not happening, sir. 
 So, in conclusion, please refrain from sending us snapshots of your peen unless, on the VERY rare occasion, we ask to see one.  The only thing that will come from you sending something like that is either getting blocked or having a blog post written about you.  Or, in this case, both. ;)

Sincerely, 
Melanie

Saturday, March 4, 2017

First Impression Friday - The One With the Crier

  


  First Impression Friday is a bi-weekly (or whenever I feel like it)  blog series in which I tell comical stories about ridiculous first encounters I've had with members of the opposite sex.  This will alternate with Red Flag Friday whenever I see fit (or Saturday - like today.. whatever.)  How have I not blogged in a month?! Things have been so crazy with moving and just life.  But I promise I'll be better, Girl Scouts Honor.

  The story starts like this: A few months ago I was at a bar trying to have a leisurely evening out with one of my best friends.  We ended up in the middle of a sweaty dance party which is totally not my scene but... when in Rome (or The Whiskey Republic).  I decided to leave the dance mosh pit and make my way to the bar for an adult beverage.  As I was trying to push through, a guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked where I was attempting to navigate to. I told him the bar and he literally pulled a Moses and parted the Red Sea of people for me, making a path to the bar.  Not going to lie, it was super flattering and it made me feel like a princess.  I thought that was the end of him but boy was I wrong.
  Later on that evening, my friend abandoned me on the dance floor to go to the bar.  A few minutes after I was alone, Moses returned and introduced himself.  He began drunk rambling on and on about his life and his friends and how society is crazy.  You see, I have this problem where I am way too nice and I don't know how to walk away from people and don't know how to say no or be mean.  Anyway, he must have gone on and on for at least 20 minutes. (Please keep in mind that this was all in the center of the dance floor with people bumping into us and grinding on each other.)  He dragged on and on about how I will never meet anyone else like him and how much money he makes (gag).  At one point, he was telling me about his friends and how they're into hard drugs. As he was telling me about this, I noticed that his eyes began to get really glossy.  For a minute, I just assumed he was glazed over with drunkenness.  But the more I looked at him, the more I realized it wasn't that at all... The more I looked at him, I thought "Oh no.. He's not.. Tell me he's not going to..".  Yes, ladies and gents, the boy on the dance floor started crying, right there before my eyes.  As tears streamed down his face, I couldn't think of anything else to do besides awkwardly and stiffly pat his shoulder like "there, there".  It was most definitely the most uncomfortable situation I have ever been in.  The only thing more uncomfortable than watching a man cry is watching a man who is a stranger cry.
  After what felt like an eternity, my friend finally returned.  I gave her the ole nose-brush-get-me-out-of-here motion and she pulled me away, thank god.

Only me.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

First Impression Friday - The One With the LARPer

  


  First Impression Friday is a bi-weekly (or whenever I feel like it)  blog series in which I tell comical stories about ridiculous first encounters I've had with members of the opposite sex.  This will alternate with Red Flag Friday whenever I see fit.

  The story starts like this:  A few weeks ago I was enjoying a leisurely drink at a bar with my mother, aunt and cousins. We were heading to a movie and decided to have a cocktail beforehand.  We had our giggle juice, left the bar and began walking over to the movie theater.  As we were leaving, a girl chased us out of the bar.  She came up to me and said something along the lines of "Excuse me, sorry to bother you.."  (At this point I was 99% sure I was being hit on my a woman - not that there's anything wrong with that.... but anyway)  "My friend in there thinks you're really cute but was too nervous to talk to you.  Can I have your name so he can find you on Facebook?"  - Yes ladies and gents we now live in a world where instead of asking someone for their number, you ask for their Facebook.  At this point, I was a little wary considering  I had 0 idea what the guy even looked like.  But I decided to play along, I mean what do I have to lose right? RIGHT?! So I wrote down my name and went on my merry way to the movie.
  Later that evening, I received a friend request.  All I was able to see was a profile picture.  He wasn't awful looking, looked a little nerdy but I wasn't ruling it out. So I did what I do best and I began creeping.  Upon my investigation I found the Facebook page of his (hopefully ex) wife.  I began scrolling through photos and it quickly became clear that my admirer was... indeed... a LARPer.  What is LARP you might ask?  According to Urban Dictionary (a very credible source) it is - 

LARP - Live Action Role Play - a type of game where a group of people wear costumes representing a character they create to participate in an agreed fantasy world. Uses foam sticks as swords, foam balls as magic and other props to create the games world. 

  Pretty cool, right?  Now I'm not judging (OK maybe I am a little bit) but that's just not the kind of thing I'm into.  I'm talking there were photos of him in full on Medieval garb .  Another one of him in full make-up looking like a character out of  Avatar.  His wedding photo's were themed as some kind of elf fairy land prince and princess.  I probably sound like a huge asshole here, but that's my luck.  I get approached in public and it just HAS to be a LARPer.  I mean, I'm still extremely flattered that someone saw me and immediately wanted to make me part of their Royal Court.  But long story short, I denied the friend request and received multiple messages.  When I explained to the LARPer that I had recently gotten out of a long relationship and wasn't looking for anything, he asked me to go out to a "non-committal dinner" - WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

I'm doomed.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

I'm Surrounded by Douchebags.



  Being propelled into the dating world again has been exciting, entertaining, fun and most of all, extremely disappointing.  I've been going on my fair share of dates and going out with friends socializing at different watering holes.  I've met a handful of men and I've noticed one common trait they all share - none of them know how to treat a woman, let alone date.  Since when is it acceptable for a first date to be "come over to my house to watch a movie"?! Is chivalry so dead in 2017 that men can't even be bothered to put on some pants and take us out on a nice date?  It's unbelievable, really.  No, I don't want to sit on your couch and watch the Patriots game for our first date.  And no, I definitely don't want to "go hang out in your hotel room" for our first date either.  What happened to wooing a girl that you're interested in? What happened to flowers and fancy dinners?  What has happened to dating and why is it now taken so lightly and casually?
  This past Friday night, I spent the evening chatting with a handsome, smart, successful man in a bar. As the night came to a close, I expected to exchange numbers and hopefully plan a date for another night. Instead, I received a kiss on the cheek and a whisper in my ear of "Let's go back to my place". Gross.  Is it just now assumed that everyone in the world is easy and is sleeping with someone immediately the new norm? Sorry, but if you're not going to go through the effort of planning a nice date for me, you're definitely not getting any action.
  Is it possible that in the age of dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, members of the opposite sex are so readily available that they are now taken for granted?  Since another person is now just one swipe away, does this make us more disposable and less valuable?  Do men not feel the need to put in effort because they know if their lazy attempt at a date fails with one girl, they can find another one within 5 swipes in a 10 mile radius?  That's the problem with dating today.  Instead of putting in some real, genuine effort, it has become the new norm to simply message a girl, send her a few cute GIF's and then ask her over. Are there any men left out there who want to put forth actual effort or am I doomed to accept emojis as flirting and cuddling as a first date? Pray for me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Signs You're in the Wrong Relationship





  Ever have one of those relationships where you think it's all rainbows and butterflies but once it's over, you look back on everything that took place and think - "Why the hell did I stick around for so long!?".  Well, let me just say that I feel this way about every single last one of my relationships.  And I've had A LOT.  loljk but I have had a handful and when these things happened, I kinda wish I had someone there smacking me, telling me I'm an idiot for sticking around... even though I probably wouldn't have listened. I think when we are in any relationship, we want so badly for it to be this magical, flawless thing that we often times choose to ignore or simply forget really bad things that are done to us.  I've put together a little list of some signs that looking back on, really should have been a big clue to me that certain relationships were never going to work out.

1. He or She Does Not Stand Up For You - This is a big one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend does not stand up for you, they have no business being your significant other.  Whether you are right or wrong in any given situation, your boyfriend or girlfriend should always be on your side. If anyone is saying anything negative about you, even if it's their mother or their best friend, they better have your back.  Or else, walk away.  You should never feel like anyone else comes before you.

2. You Have Different Views on Family - If one of you is very close with your family and wants to see them frequently and the other is more used to seeing their family like once a month, it may cause some issues.  Especially when they put up a fight about coming to your family things because they just don't understand.

4. You Seek the Thrill of the Chase Again - If you're in a committed relationship and you suddenly find yourself being interested in other people and wanting to pursue them, this is an issue.  If you seek that thrill of the beginning of a relationship where everything is new and fresh again, it may be time to move on.  

5. He or She Doesn't Communicate Their Feelings - If you're constantly having to ask them "What's wrong" and they keep telling you nothing, when you KNOW something is bothering them, that's an issue.  Because in a few weeks it's all going to pour out of them like lava.  You need someone who is going to communicate things to you and not keep things hidden inside. 

6. He or She Does Not Enjoy Doing The Same Activities As You - Don't get me wrong, I think having your own hobbies and interests is fantastic.  But if one of you likes to go hiking and camping and the other one just wants to play video games and smoke weed all day, it's probably not going to work.

7. They Try To Change You (Or You Try to Change Them) - If they throw you some bullshit line like, "You Should Do Your Hair Like This" or "You Should Be More Outgoing".  EFF OUTTA HERE.  You don't need that in your life.  You're perfect the way you are.  Sorry if they can't see that. 

8. You're at Different Places In Your Lives - If you're going to your 9-5 office job and they're spending the day hanging out with their friends on the beach collecting unemployment for no solid reason, MOVE ON.  

9. How He or She Reacts During an Argument - If you get into an argument and you are sitting there bawling your eyes out and they don't care even a little bit and sit there with a stone cold look on their face, BUH-BYE.  I'm not saying they should crumble and apologize at the sight of a tear (although that would be nice) but at least pretend to feel a little bit bad.  Also, if they refuse to talk things out and give you the silent treatment for a day, SO not worth it.

10. Your Needs Aren't Being Met - Whatever your needs are, whether they are within reason or not, if they aren't being met and you're not happy, then it's time to move on.  Whether you need them to show you more affection or come to more events with you, you need to feel like you're getting what you need or go find someone who can provide that to you.

12. You're Doing All The Work - If you find yourself being the one to always apologize first or you're always the one to compromise, time to move on.   You should not be the only one putting effort into the relationship.  Because that's not a relationship at all.

13. You Start Noticing Other Attractive People - If you catch yourself checking out that guy at Starbucks or staring a little too long at the guy in the big truck next to you at the red light, it may be time to move on.  If you're entertaining the idea of anyone else, you're probably curious about what else is out there and maybe it's time to explore that.

14. You Don't Like Each Others Friends - I am a firm believer that your friends are a reflection of you and who you are as a person.  If you hate all of their friends, then that really says something about them.  And if they don't like your friends, then how are you ever going to have a healthy relationship?  Friends are a really big part of your life and you need someone who embraces your friends as their own.

15. Just Follow Your Gut - Always trust your gut, girlfriend.  It's your BFF.  If deep down you feel like you can do better and deserve much more, listen to it.  There are a bajillion people in this world. You owe it to yourself to explore that and find all that you want and more.